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May 2009

HippoJuice News Archives from May 2009:

Terminator Salvation | The Moment of Truth | Donate to HippoJuice | Wolverine Origins

5/27/09: Terminator Salvation

Terminator Katie

Article by
Katie "Rise of the Machines" Gemignani



This weekend in Orlando many of the Hippojuice members decided to watch a movie. They sat in the car trying to make a decision; Royce and Ryan fought between watching Dance Flick or Ghost of Girlfriends Past. Katie and Marie finally looked at each other and said, "Why don’t we just watch Terminator Salvation?"

Terminator KatieAll movement in the car ceased. They all looked at each other and gave a quick nod of agreement in unison. Quickly, they moved out of the car as if they were Spartan warriors getting ready for battle. They moved through the parking lot as one unit. And right before they got to the theater…it happened.

It was a clear, sunny day and yet they saw lightning coming in all directions. The lightning was strange; it looked like the kind of lightning that is added in the post production of an 80’s movie. But there it was, all around them. But they continued walking. Nothing was going to get in the way of their quest to see Terminator.

As they walked on, they were suddenly stopped by a ball of light. They all winced at the blinding light as they tried to see what was within. It appeared to be a naked man…

"What the…" said Royce, but they were all thinking it.

The light dispersed and in front of them sat a middle-aged man with pedophile glasses who was completely naked. He turned to face them, all with identical shocked expressions on their faces.

"Whoooo. Good thing I landed here, huh? You are Hippojuice, am I right?" he said this in the most nasally voice you can imagine.

One of them managed to say yes through a mumble.

"Well, good thing. That saves me a lot of time stalking around after you all." He said with an awkward laugh. They just stared at him. "Ok, so here is what is up. I was sent back from the future to have sex with Ryan to change the destruction of things to come in the future. It must happen this way for the salvation of the human race."

"WHAT!?" Said Ryan. "No way in hell is that going to happen."

They were all just as shocked, but the request wasn’t for the rest of them…so they all turned to each other with a look of agreement. Then Royce turned to Ryan and said, "Well, think about it. It is for the future of the human race. Come on Ryan, be a sport." Ryan looked at them and they all gave him an encouraging nod.

"Aw, DAMN-IT!" yelled Ryan. "Fine…let’s get this over with." And Ryan walked off into the sunset with the strange naked man. It never crossed their minds to ask more questions or find out how bad the future was before agreeing to anything.

The remaining Hippojuice members stood there watching the two walk away.

"I wonder what the future was like without Ryan having gay sex with this guy?" said Marie. "Or what it will be like now that he is going to."

"It must have been really bad for them to send some guy back to change the future." Said Katie.

"Eh, whatever. Ryan is taking care of it. Let’s go watch Terminator Salvation." said Royce being the first to move out of the line they were standing in.

"Alright!" the rest agreed, and they followed right behind him.

The sun set that night and the future was changed forever.

Dun, du, dun, du, DUN, DUN. Dun, du, dun, du, DUN, DUN.

5/18/09: The Moment of Truth

It was just an average day at work for me. I was waiting for the day to end, when suddenly, Ryan yanks the front door open and runs in panting.

"I...have...a...mission...for you...for Hippojuice," he said through gasps for breath. "This is the most important thing you will ever be asked to do in your life, and you can't say no. And you have to be good."

Crazy Katie with MarieI propped myself up in my rolly chair behind the front desk. I had no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded exciting. Anything to get me away from the humdrum of normal life. I imagined myself on some wild adventure through the jungle, trying to find some ancient secret for our next video. Or, better yet, jetting to Washington D.C. to lobby for Hippojuice in front of Congress. I sat up straight and tall, ready to take on this important mission. I was listening.

"I need you to write the Mondays blogs for the Hippojuice web site!" said Ryan.

"Oooh...uh...yeah, sure." I said a little taken back. The image of Indiana Katie slowly fading away in my mind. "But, I am not at all a writer."

"Yeah, but you are better than the rest of us, so just, you know, be funny," said Ryan.

"Alright, well I will write the best that I can try, I mean. Shit. Off to a great start." I stammered.

"You will be great."

Katie G.

And with that, Ryan turned on his heels and walked out the door.

Through the glass doors I could have sworn I saw him turn the corner and fly away, but on second thought I have a bit of an overactive imagination and I have been watching Heroes a lot, so that seemed more logical then Ryan having the ability to fly.

But then again I was deemed the writer for the Hippojuice blogs, so anything is possible.

Look for a new article by Katie Gemignani every Monday.

– Katie "Abortion Hips" Gemignani


5/11/09: Donate to HippoJuice

Dearest Fans,

The people of HippoJuice are simple. We work normal 9-5 jobs and can barely afford rent or food.

Our humble backgrounds begin in Italy, 1891. We found a time machine and traveled forward to America, 2001. Since traveling through time, we decided to make videos and broadcast internet shows because it's the only thing we like to do. We also do it because God gave us these amazing talents: being funny, awesome, good looking, and well endowed. It would be an absolute crying shame to let all of these talents go to waste.

Below is a list of things we need and what they cost. As you can see, we need a grand total of $3,190.00 to get us where we need to be. After scrimping for 6 months, we have saved up approximately -$97.21.  We would be able to bring so much more joy and happiness to our fans if we had the funds to purchase this equipment! Think about it; if we were able to afford this we could make videos so hilarious that all war, poverty, and disease would end. We don't want to tell you how to live your life, but not contributing to a perfect planet makes you scum.

Equipment Quantity Each Total
M-Five Ribbon microphone 6 $149.00 $849.00
Yamaha MG 166C 16 Channel Rack Mount Mixer 1 $379.99 $379.99
SM Pro Audio HP6 Headphone Amplifier 1 $118.95 $118.95
Sony HVR-HD1000U 1 $1,799.00 $1,799.00

In a completely unrelated matter,
we now have a PayPal donation button set up:

If you donate, you can look forward to awesome things such as:

  • The documentary "Cosplayaz"
  • A sketch called "Gay Detective"
  • Katie, Marie, and Nakia's rap song "Fruit Basket"
  • Katie and Marie's rap song "Second Rate Girl"
  • More from your favorite Zombie Boyfriend
  • A possible sequel to Pedo Fight
  • More contests like Photoshop Nakia
  • Interviews with your favorite celebrities

And remember, a great man once said,

"We don't want to tell you how to live your life, but not contributing to a perfect planet makes you scum."

Sincerely, HippoJuice

5/04/09: Wolverine Origins Premiere

With an opening weekend grossing $87 million, it seems the leaked, unfinished version of Wolverine Origins had little impact at the box office this weekend, even with all the bad reviews and controversy. The extra press only seemed to help as it surpassed the opening weekend of Bryan Singer’s X-men and X-men 2.

Wolverine JohnNathan and John went to Sawgrass Regal Cinemas with the downloaded version and asked people what they thought of the improvements made to the final theatre version.

Most reviews were surprisingly positive. The general public didn't seem to mind the changes made to Deadpool and the continuous confirmation that Wolverine and Sabertooth are brothers. Fox released a statement saying that it was unfair to judge the movie because it was not finished, and Hugh Jackman was quoted saying "It’s like a ferrari without a paint job." But a ferrari is still a ferrari, and this was not an impressive (ferrari) story. It was a typical action movie. You could have easily replaced Hugh Jackman with Sylvester Stalone, Jean Claude Van Dame or Steven Seagal and called it Shadowman: Origins.

Our problems with the movie?

  • No one seemed to mind Gambit's ability to climb walls with sticks or helicopter down to safety.
  • Wolverine acts as a wood chipper and destroys a fire escape piece by piece in the same fight scene with Gambit.
  • Everyone seems to be brothers for some reason?
  • The story of the Blob's name is shameful.
  • Deadpool, biggest travesty of all, was not explained properly because they didn't have enough time to delve into his back story.

Also, if Wolverine was the first mutant to undergo adamantium skeletal binding, how would Stryker know that a adamantium bullet would erase his memory? If this scenario never came up before and he’s never had the chance to test his bullet memory hypothesis, how does Stryker know? It seems to us that if you get shot with a bullet in the head, you're going to lose more than just your memory - try about 90% of your motor skills.

After seeing Wolverine Origins, the best case scenario we can hope for is if we all get shot with adamantium bullets so we can lose the memory of ever watching such a movie.

Wolverine John Wolverine John


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